Healing the Cleaning Wound: How Anxiety, Motherhood & IFS Intersect in Everyday Mess

Almost every woman I’ve worked with has some variation of this. Either they experienced a reactive or critical cleaning environment—where a caregiver’s stress built up to a point that they’d snap and stress-clean to regulate themselves—or they grew up in a severely overwhelming environment (think hoarding), and carry deep shame that their home never looked like other families’.

Neither situation leaves a person with a healthy relationship to housekeeping. Instead, mess becomes a trigger.

Cleaning and the Nervous System

In the first scenario, mess equals danger. These women can’t relax until things are clean. Their nervous systems were trained to believe that clutter leads to rupture or disconnection from their caregivers. So, they stress-clean as a survival response.

In the second scenario, daily mess triggers shame. These women often feel like they missed out on some secret recipe for homemaking. They can spiral into collapse, unable to tackle the everyday mess—or they overfunction, exhausting themselves to try and prevent the shame from surfacing.

Both are rooted in survival patterns. Both are protective parts doing their best.

The Real Antidote

The antidote isn’t a chore chart. It’s capacity.

Specifically, the capacity to feel pain and shame without letting it run your life. When you can sit with those younger parts that were terrified or neglected, and teach them something new, the cleaning wound starts to heal.

That’s the work.

My Own Story with the Cleaning Wound

In my own healing, the first step was allowing mess. Sitting with the shame of it. Postpartum—with a long-haired dog creating tumbleweeds reminiscent of the Sahara—I had to learn that I wasn’t failing. I was under-supported.

I started tending to those young parts, showing them: You are still safe. We are not in danger.

Fast-forward to life with an almost four-year-old. I had more support, more capacity. Those younger parts needed to evolve again. Yes, we could allow mess—but sometimes, mess made it harder to show up as my grounded self. Like when the dishes piled up and made meal prep ten times harder.

At that point, it wasn’t just about trauma. It was about knowing when tidying up was actually an act of care—not compulsion. It was about listening to my nervous system.

Regulated Action vs. Reaction

Here’s how I know when I’m acting from regulation, not reaction:

• My body feels calmer.

• There’s less tension in my jaw and shoulders.

• My heart rate stays slow.

• My thoughts are clear.

• If I’m interrupted, I can pivot without spiraling.

Cleaning becomes a tool—not a coping mechanism.

Why This Matters in Therapy

This is why therapy content on social media can’t be one-size-fits-all.

For one person, the work is sitting in the mess and doing nothing.

For another, it’s getting up and doing one dish to break the freeze.

Context matters. Nervous system state matters. IFS helps us map these parts with precision—so you’re not just guessing what “self-care” looks like.

Postpartum, Anxiety & the Cleaning Wound

If you’re a new parent, mess might feel even more triggering. Your nervous system is raw, your sleep is fragmented, and your home suddenly feels like your whole world.

When you add in societal expectations to “bounce back,” keep a clean house, and raise emotionally secure kids—you’re set up for burnout.

That’s where therapy comes in.

How Therapy Can Help

In my work with clients, we:

• Identify the origins of your cleaning triggers

• Use IFS to meet the parts of you that panic or shut down in clutter

• Practice nervous system regulation to tolerate the discomfort of mess

• Create rituals that feel nurturing—not obligatory

You don’t need to be “neat” to be healed. You don’t need to be messy to prove a point.

You just need to listen to what’s underneath the urge—and tend to it.

Let’s Work Together

If this resonates, you’re not alone. Many of my clients are high-functioning, sensitive, and deeply tired of the same cycles. I offer virtual anxiety therapy in Michigan with a focus on postpartum healing, nervous system regulation, and IFS.

Book a free consult here or learn more about my approach to postpartum anxiety here.